“You. Will. Not. Stutter. Once…”
Five words I used to whisper, with enough force to mimic a command. I coined the phrase in college, repeating it prior to any of my spoken performances. Shockingly, fluency would come during shows, after only a moment or two of having to act the jitters out of me. It was unlike anything I had ever felt before. The ease in my voice, even if I was out there playing an 1800s dying boy, made me feel innately fresh. Like I was wearing a new, shiny mask that happened to resemble my face. Rightfully so, I wanted to latch tightly onto that specific version of myself. ( The me who happened to be dressed up as someone else.)
Soon, in an effort to obey superstition, I took my pep talk with me outside of the theatre. Those five biting words were well on their way to becoming a mantra. Uttered religiously at restaurants, the start of (already well awkward enough) class presentations, even while shooting the shit in crowded living rooms at cast parties. There was always this need to overcome the oddness of my normal speaking voice. And it became the conflict driving forward my very own tale of redemption.
For whatever reason, stutterers are often placed into a sort of “redemptive narrative”. Maybe because it’s natural for people to frame the unknown as something in need of overcoming. Moving on to recent years, when I think about my stutter, I actively try to stay away from the word overcome. It just doesn’t encourage the kind of motivation that (well-meaning) people probably think it does.
“You. Will. Not. Stutter. Once” was really my way of saying “You just have to overcome this, Pat…”
And yet, I still stuttered. And, oops, I still do…
Despite success found on the stage, I regret to inform you that my redemption arc has yet to reach its completion. And how could it, when I, a lifelong stutterer, still stutter consistently? I’m left in a deadlock, unable to transform into the fully realized hero of my own story. I mean, I can’t be a hero who takes a minute to introduce himself to the secretaries at the doctor’s office, can I?
When was the last time you saw Thor block on the word “thunder”? What, you mean you don’t recall him stuttering as profusely as the raw energy coursing through his many large veins?
Okay….wait…..wait…could it be that my idea of “overcoming” a stutter was somehow compromised from the start? Am I finally waking up to a deeper understanding of what it means to live with this? Ah! Man! If only we had a non-orange President who also stutters that could help me form some kind of conclusion at this time…
Enter Joe Biden (How Very Convenient, Huh?)
Before he gathered his footing on the campaign trail, President Biden (then former V.P Biden) had been known almost entirely for taking textbook moderate stances on most topics. I hope I can at least voice that without ruffling the feathers of any of my readers. It’s been well enough documented over time, so I don’t think I’m aggrandizing his reputation by stating it.
Besides, I’m too busy wondering where he stands as it pertains to stuttering.
Specifically to his stutter. The one he claims he had to work very hard to overcome. (Hmm, there’s that word again…)
In my last post, I made sure to outline lots of important background information on Biden’s stutter, and how it has influenced him thus far in life. But what remains more interesting to me is how he uses his stutter to influence others. Those of us sitting at home, feeling the physical weight of our words more than the average person does. As well as that average person, who might have an ill-informed version of stuttering planted in their brain.
Clearly, this is a special reality we find ourselves in. Being able to rise in the morning and remember that our President is a confirmed stutterer. But I’m also trying to think beyond the “currentness” of the situation. I’ve always been one to wonder, sort of to a fault, about the future and what it has in store. Now, a present-day Joe Biden is in a position to expose the entire country to the concept of stuttering. And if the notorious “Sleepy Joe” claims tell us anything, it’s that there’s positive and negative attention primed to hit our nation’s capital the more public attention Biden gives to his stutter.
Still, I can’t help but hope that he learns to lead by a certain example.
The problem here is that my desired example might be too much to ask for.
Again, I’m left thinking about this idea of needing to be redeemed from stuttering. I’m thinking how Joe Biden has the potential to play a key role in disproving it. I’m thinking about how badly I want him to recognize that there are alternative ways of living with a stutter, besides pushing yourself to stutter as little as possible. Besides practicing and preaching self-censorship.
This goes against everything I would’ve said in the past, but I would like to witness a Joe Biden who puts less emphasis on how he has overcome his stutter. Using more of his energy to adopt a newfound sense of openness within his speech.
Biden So Far.
That’s not to say Biden is averse to discussing his stutter. It’s been quite the opposite, especially in recent years. We know that with every thrust further into the spotlight, Joe has become more well known for his advocacy on behalf of stuttering.
But the cynic lurking around in me wonders if the President even wants to make public appearances on behalf of the subject, like his attending and speaking at the 2016 American Institute for Stuttering Gala. Maybe it’s a topic he expected to be questioned about sporadically on the campaign circuit, at CNN town-halls and press-conferences alike. Now it could be that he knows it’s something he’s going to have to discuss moving forward in his term.
I just hope that it doesn’t feel like an obligation to him. But then I think how I feel obligated to write posts like this discussing Joe Biden. It reminds me that many of my assumptions are definitely unfair to an extent. And they appear to actually weaken my efforts to remain unified with other stutterers. For many, just seeing that President Biden has attempted to speak motivation into their ears is enough to put them at ease.
Which has me asking myself, “Why the hell don’t I feel the same way?”
As someone admittedly relieved to have Biden take over for America, what do I think is missing from his approach to discussing stuttering?
Or does the real fault lie in my own perspective?
Encouraging Or Detrimental?
“It doesn’t”—“can’t define who you are.”, Joe told John Hendrickson from the Atlantic, referencing his stutter during their one-on-one interview. Which, by the way, is highly fascinating and personal. It’ll be in the bibliography below.
I’ve been stuttering for about twenty years now. And Biden’s aforementioned piece of wisdom has graced my presence many times. Mainly via friends, family, and other members of my inner circle who have gotten exclusive showings of my otherwise buried down shame (fun times, eh?). They usually voice comforting phrases built upon a similar template of “You’re so much more than this”. It’s easy to trust that they tell me these things because they care. A little tougher to believe they truly do see me as more than I’ve been known to see myself, a la a somewhat decent Porky Pig impersonator.
The intention behind their sentiments has provided me comfort in the past. But the actual words that they are comprised of, at least as I digest them today, tend to spike a level of confusion inside of me.
I have been Joe Biden. And Joe Biden has been me. Just like every stutterer has been every other stutterer, who, at some point has had to face their own feelings of inadequacy. All of us, to varying degrees, have tried to fight back against the inevitability of our speech.
And it is inevitable, for most of us. My stutter, like President Biden’s, is a direct result of genetics. Nobody did anything that could’ve caused it. As such, there is nothing that can be done to erase it from my life, permanently speaking.
That’s why I believe the word overcome, with all the potential for power it possesses, is a faulty three syllables for stutterers to be magnetized by. Although hearing it may succeed at inspiring some, for others like me it makes every stutter feel like a suffered loss.
A waste of our breath. Of our time.
So, yes, while I obviously support the improvement of one’s stutter, maybe we shouldn’t see having one as a crippling obstacle.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that it feels weird to use up so much of myself trying to overcome this part of myself. Lately, it feels strange worrying about how I verbalize my thoughts. Placing so much emphasis on the way they sound, rather than their contents. I can’t help but think about how that type of anxiety undermines their value. It’s already become apparent to me how it affects my willingness to voice them.
The Power Found In Words.
Biden has a group of 15 stutterers that he maintains contact with. At a CNN town hall, he revealed that he has told them it is “critically important for them not to judge themselves by their speech — not let that define them.”
Let me make it clear, I wholeheartedly admire that those words have come from the mouth of somebody in (the highest) office. However, I do want to take a closer look at that quote. It’s most interesting to separate it into two halves, each a distinct train living in the same thought. In Biden’s case, both leaving from the same station of what I believe was intended thoughtfulness.
First we have, it is “… critically important for us not to judge ourselves by our speech…”
This is a fundamentally true statement that I’ve spent too much time trying to abide by. It carries a message similar to the tropey, rom-com line “You can’t love another until you love yourself.” Cheesy to no end, but past that, blatantly applicable. Even if instead of two forlorn love-interests, we apply its meaning instead to me and my stutter. I won’t ever be able to say that I fully accept myself unless I consciously show compassion towards my voice. It goes to show that most forms of self-repression are destined to cancel out the promise of self-love.
So, yes, Biden is waxing some genuine words of wisdom thus far.
Now for part two, “…not let that (a stutter) define them.”
I’m scrambling for something more extensive to comment, but anything that’s to follow has to be preceded by, why?
Why do we see any sort of difference, or disability, as something to push towards the backmost part of ourselves?
Trust me when I say that I’m the same way most of the time. Obsessed with proving that I can be more than years worth of speech therapy visits. More than Friday nights out spent dreading social introductions. Trying to display that there is this alternate way of life for me that revolves around never stuttering again. That it’s possible simply because it just has to be.
In a lot of ways, it feels like I’m beginning to push back against myself. Opposing many of my own longstanding, polarizing beliefs.
Now I see that if there’s anything I need redeemiing from, it’s the years of pretending that I wasn’t a stutterer. Of scribbling in a half-assed fairy tale around me, that was never meant to be.
Playing a part, even when nobody thought that I was.
All because I had it in my head that “I. Must. Not. Stutter. Once.”
Always Room For Hope, Change…
There’s this pipedream of a world functioning in my fantasies where being a stutterer doesn’t cancel out any of the other notable things we’re known for.
President Biden is right on the cusp of becoming the elected spokesman for this world.
He already takes immense pride in his accomplishments. Showcases his morality, as unwavering as any other politician in recent time. What’s missing, then? What will it take for him to be admitted into this universe, which seems a hell of a lot more conceivable now than it ever has before?
Confidence? An Indifference to Critique? I don’t know if I I can say for certain.
Joe Biden, the President, has a four-year, nationwide cleanup ahead of him. And it’s true that there may not be a surplus of time available for him to discuss stuttering. Not amongst the ever-growing, four-year bucket list that I’m sure lies on a nightstand somewhere in the White House.
What I would like to remind Biden is that his journey with a stutter doesn’t have to be defined by the amount of time put in to lessen it. Instead, it can simply be that he is a stutterer. Perhaps that’s enough. There’s a unique breed of strength up for the taking when it comes down to embracing our uniqueness. Certainly fit for a President of the United States of America.
Joe Biden, a politician. A husband. A President. A stutterer.
I wonder if he knows that he can be all these. Synonymously.
Works Cited
Hendrickson, John. “What Joe Biden Can’t Bring Himself to Say.” The Atlantic, Atlantic Media Company, Jan. 2020, www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2020/01/joe-biden-stutter-profile/602401/.
Sullivan, Kate, and Eric Bradner. “Biden Opens up about Stuttering and Offers Advice to Young People Who Stutter.” CNN, Cable News Network, 6 Feb. 2020, www.cnn.com/2020/02/05/politics/joe-biden-stutter/index.html.