The following is an exaggerated look at my own experiences. I wrote this as an example of just how dangerous a force OCD can become. Sometimes, and most harmfully, right under our noses. But I recognize that mental health is something that varies by individual.
I’m here to announce that my OCD has reached unyielding devotion to my well-being.
I say this with confidence after spending last night boarded up in my room. Stowed away, script clasped in hand, as I read aloud from page number two. Time started to slip; dinner came and concluded without me, and still, I found myself fixated on a word from scene one. Tack on three and a half hours, and I was continuing to capture the essence of that one word on that one line from that one monologue on that exact same page two. Now it’s safe to say that there’s no living creature with a comparable passion for all things second pages.
And my OCD staked out by my side for the entire evening! Obviously as much needed moral support. Congratulating me when I sounded like a person, but also pointing out when my voice resembled an alien’s. It goes to show that we should be seeking out friends who aren’t afraid to shell out a little tough love. Besides, if OCD meant to hurt me, would it keep reminding me that I can just practice until l do sound like a human?! Would it promise to stick with me throughout all my self-improvement? That’s what I thought. Silver linings! Peachy feelings! Silver, peach-lined, happy vibes, am I right?! Haha, I will no longer speak like an alien! Suck it, extraterrestrials, you can’t have me!
My OCD says that there’s no such thing as “free time”, not when there are rogue stutters still wreaking havoc inside of my body. It’s urged me to stay committed to my one and only cause. Now every day I feed off of the knowledge that stuttering is something that needs to be inherently wiped away. What does my OCD do to further motivate me in my efforts? It does only what it feels it needs to do. Taking time out of its very important schedule to personally guide me in the complete and total eradication of my speech impediment.
Doesn’t that make you feel warm inside? Maybe right near the outline of your heart? After all, it means my OCD really cares about me. Well, it has to if it’s willing to preach verbal genocide to ensure I hide my stutter, you know? I mean, it’s literally willing to stop me from ever speaking on a single one of my thoughts. Even my most favorite ones, about obscure, one-off Muppets or my favorite brand of barbecue sauce. Now that’s a ride or die if ever there was one! Nothing says friends til the end like the squelching of conversations before they even happen!
Sure, sure, there are the occasional days where I do forget parts of my training. Maybe I squeak out a few sounds to a few select friends, for god knows what reason, but OCD is never anything less than understanding. Through its wise, Miyagi-esque perspective, failure is seen as an open door that leads out to fresh beginnings.
Of course, a new start can only take place after a little bit of damage control work on my end. But that’s a central aspect of any efficient lifestyle! Per the wisdom of my OCD, a stumble on the word “hello” transforms into a session of sneaking into the faculty bathroom at work, whipping out my phone, and recording the ever-living life out of myself conversing with dust particles on the mirror. And do you know how many of my co-workers I’m able to fluently greet afterward? Generally, I can’t remember, but I’m sure it still happens! All I have to do is pretend that I have a little tummy ache action going on in the morning and boom! I’ve solidified non-stuttery greetings for the afternoon! It’s true what they say! Once you inherit the power of a one-track mindset, it’s nearly impossible to go back! Thanks, OCD!
If I stutter, I turn to all of these practices. And if I keep stuttering, it’s merely a sign that our mission isn’t complete. So, I’ll continue looking ahead to a time when it is. Though, that does mean I’ll eventually have to part ways with my dear OCD.
I’d rather say goodbye to my stutter.
After all, according to my OCD, that’s the only dream of mine worth having.