There are many kind-hearted people out in the world. And even if some of us feel pre-conditioned to dwell more-so on the uglier caverns within our fellow beings, that much cannot be denied. Many of us, displayed through our intentions, want to do well by others.
But when it comes to allyship, what I call supporting a person or community outside of your own life experience, is being a good person “good” enough to get by on?
I’m of the opinion that, yes, of course, it is.
However, there is one stipulation worth mentioning when it comes to being a strong ally, to groups such as my very own stuttering community.
Knowledge of this caveat has the potential to take us from “getting by” as an ally, to thriving as one.
sympathy VS Empathy
It all has to do with the idea of sympathy vs empathy.
Two words that, up until recently, I had a more limited knowledge of than I had once thought.
I’ve been trying to think of the two almost as art forms…
Sympathy, being the art of relating to somebody’s feelings by way of pity or sorrow. And empathy, the art of relating to somebody’s feelings by first relating to their core humanity, itself.
What I mean, or rather, the theory that I’m beginning to develop on my own is that empathy is less biased. Trust me, I know being sympathetic to a person’s experience is oftentimes the response we enact first. But the downside to sympathy is that it regularly misconstrues itself in a sometimes harmful way.
As both an actor and a stutterer, I hit rough mental patches every once in a while. I’m lying if I say I don’t get my fair share of misguided, ally-spoken sentiments. Variants of “Don’t be sad! You barely stuttered during your performance!”. Sympathetic words that I know are spoken in an effort to bring me comfort. But that just isn’t reliably the case. In fact, it usually only doubles down on the negativity circulating through my own mind.
Waiting in the wings is empathy, which I now (because I didn’t always) consider a worthier alternative.
You see, empathy is all about remaining grounded and logical in all the ways you can support somebody. And being an empathetic ally builds on the grounds of knowing your role as one.
Instead of telling a stutterer how much you “don’t notice it” or perhaps “hope it gets better”, try to work towards an empathetic demeanor. Let them know that, although you may not understand their situation, you will try to understand how it is making them feel. Empathy focuses on listening, rather than reacting, which is another crucially important part of being a solid ally. We should let ourselves relate, rather than commiserate. Doing so bridges a gap between us and the other person, without muddling their emotions with our own.
When you give someone your empathy, you may also be giving them a chance to take further ownership of their feelings.
All the best,
Pat Festa
The Stuttering Artist