As memories bury themselves in garbage bags full of wrapping paper, my brain ramps from a merry stroll to a restless sprint towards a new year. I’m mostly aware that nothing is going to change, really, from one month to the next. So why do the stakes appear to be so high right now, more so than usual around this time of year?
This might sound overly broad, but I think it’s because I need this to be the year in which I regain my voice. Nine times out of ten such a wish would be meant metaphorically. But my current situation, and problems with my voice, have crossed over to the literal realm.
Due to a slipped disc injury in my neck, talking has been progressively feeling more and more like a chore. As I approach an upcoming surgery, tension and pain have become daily forces felt no less intermittently than my stutter. Rather than press back onto my current state in defiance, I’ve decided that it’s probably going to feel better if I disengage from any extraneous efforts. Plainly spoken, I’m dead-tired and my voice just can’t catch up at the moment. And it’s not something I’m keen on admitting.
The weight of uncertainty so many of us have been feeling this year has manifested for me in a state of silence. At a time where personal communication is finally being fully cherished, I find the idea of speaking to those around me exhausting. A sick irony that meshes all too well within the broad 2020 narrative.
Anymore, conversations are much smoother played internally. They (quite literally) hurt a lot less when kept inside, shared only by the too-tight a trio consisting of me, myself, and I. That’s not to say I think I’m an uninteresting conversationalist. Only that I’m a few short self-talks away from depicting an unhinged Shamalyan character. Which would make sense, since this past year has been one extended plot twist afflicting so many of us.
As you can imagine, I’ve been stuttering a lot less, too. On paper, this was a banner year for the severity of my speech-impediment. At least that’s what I might’ve thought earlier in the year’s tumultuous run. Mistaking a total lack of effort for groundbreaking levels of success. I mean, no stutterer stutters when they altogether stop speaking. This is no means for celebration, but rather, a catalyst for reflection.
My “grateful for silence” mentality turned out to be yet another self-destructive trait I really want to anchor in the past. Even for stutterers, there’s no legitimate sense of comfort in depriving yourself of human interaction. Avoiding lengthy exchanges proves good for a few brief exhales, and then it is good no more. Such moments of cheap gratification begin to near lines of mental toxicity. They’ve been leaving me in a limbo where the right option is always seen as staying still. And keeping my mouth closed unless essential situations call for me to use it.
Perhaps an ironic bright-spot is that I actually want to start taking better care of my stutter. Not only has this injury made me feel verbally helpless, but now I’m actually starting to miss stuttering. By that, I mean stuttering with a lesser degree of discomfort. But I guess it’s still another inch towards acceptance, isn’t it? I’ve repeatedly said that there has to be freedom in having a stutter and displaying it without a second thought. All I know is that right now, I’d give anything to figure out if that was a potential endgame for me.
Regrettably, I’ve spent most of my adulthood taking my voice for granted. And now that the act of speaking causes actual physical strain, it makes me yearn to revert back to a feeling of normalcy. That includes all of my vocal imperfections, which I’ve kept just as suppressed as the more polished bits. Returning to full health means returning to a position of at least enough poise to continue confronting my insecurities on a dedicated basis.
I owe my stutter a lot more than what it has been dealt this year.
I owe it to myself to try and heal the best I can. If nothing else, to give my words the opportunity to be heard on my own terms.
Stuttering is an important part of the voice I wish to regain in 2021.